Every place in the world, no matter how lame, has its local folk anti-hero. In Chicago it's Mrs. O'Leary's cow. In the actual London, it's Jack the Ripper. In London, Ontario, it's the Black Donellys.
FYI: They were not actually black.
Here's the story of the Donnellys as told to me by my grandmother (with a few additions by Basil the tow-truck driver who once saved me when I was stranded on the side of the road in Exeter, which is about 25 miles north of London):
The Donnellys came over from Ireland, where they had a long-standing feud with another family that also had members in the area. They moved to Lucan, Ontario, which is just north of London. There they established a stagecoach line that ran between Lucan and London.
The Donnellys didn't make themselves very popular in Lucan. I've heard that they did everything from taxing people who went down the Roman Line (the road they lived on) from cutting the tongues out of their competitor's horses. Whatever the reality was, a band of local vigilantes decided that it was bad enough to warrant killing the whole lot of them.
So, on February 4, 1880, a bunch of dudes got together and marched over to the Donnelly house, which they promptly burnt down. Everyone inside died except for a neighbor boy who found somewhere fireproof to hide. Not all the Donnellys were present to be murdered, however, and when the vigilantes were found not guilty (despite the fact that everyone knew they did it), one of the sons made a point of attending all of their funerals and cackling, which seems only fair.
There are several books about the Donnellys, but I've never felt the need to read any of them. There's something appealing about hearing this story from people like my grandmother, who's own grandmother watched the vigilantes being carried to their trial in a horse-drawn wagon (they had bags over their heads, apparently, even though everyone knew who they were), and Basil the tow truck driver who grew up in Lucan (where it only recently became socially acceptable to mention the Donnellys at all). I like the idea of folklore as oral tradition, and I think that facts and research sort of get in the way of that.
One thing that is undeniably true, however, is that the Black Donnellys are the coolest thing about London. How many towns have a mass-murder story where the guys who did it totally got away with it, despite the fact that they were super guilty and everyone knew it? I mean, without the mafia. This story's so cool that there are songs about it (none of which are locatable on the Internet, sorry), a TV show named after it (created by Paul Haggis, who is from London), and an episode of one of those ghost hunting shows about the house built over the old Donnelly homestead (also not locatable on the Internet).
This show had exactly nothing to do with the actual Donnellys.
For those of you who have been paying attention, this brings the grand total of cool things about London up to 1, which is quite the achievement. Good job, London.
As you all probably know, dyslexia is a learning disability that, unlike most learning disabilities, is often accompanied by great genius. Here are some famous people with dyslexia:
Albert Einstein:
Discovered general relativity, did a bunch of stuff with thermodynamics that I don't understand, sported awesome 'stache.
Leonardo da Vinci:
Invented lots of cool stuff (most of which doesn't actually work), painted the most famous painting in the world, sported awesome beard.
Bryan Singer:
Directed The Usual Suspects, Apt Pupil, and a bunch of other stuff, used to date my old roommate, took me to meet Jessica Alba.
My sister:
There are 9,000 pictures exactly like this on her Facebook page.
My sister is very good at things like putting on makeup and getting her hair to do that poofy thing on top without buying as-seen-on-TV hair accessories. Because she is dyslexic, however, she is not so good at things like spelling, getting stuff done on time (who is?), or remembering anything that isn't about hair or makeup. As my sister is a generally upbeat person, she has chosen to find her dyslexia-related symptoms more hilarious than even the cruelest of bullies would. Seriously, she mispronounces one thing, or puts one letter in the wrong spot, and she's in hysterics. It's kind of ridiculous. I try to talk to her about it, but she forgets we even had a conversation, which she also thinks is hilarious. At least she's happy, I guess.
Normally, my sister lives in London, which is where she goes to school. Because London is terrible and Chicago is awesome, however, she chose to go back to Chicago for the summer. Because my life is terrible and I need a job but no longer have a green card (long story), I pretty much had to go to London for the summer. So, we traded lives. She is living with my parents (sucker), and I am living in her apartment (no air conditioning, no food from Whole Foods, no dog, no cable, in London. . . OK, maybe I'm the sucker). Because my sister is very helpful, she decided to label everything in her house with Post-It notes so that I would not be confused about what things are. Here are some examples:
"birty towels correction dirty towels"
"PT I mean TP"
"Linnin Closet"
I think the last one is my favorite, because my sister's "linnin closet" is filled with cleaning and art supplies. I'm pretty sure she does not know what a linen closet is.
In conclusion, my sister is probably a genius in some yet-undiscovered way, so it's important for me to make fun of her while I have the chance.
As you can see, she is old and opening a Christmas present and therefore probably not Jewish. Let's go with Catholic.
These two wonderful people, who created my mother, have been divorced for about 800 years and don't spend that much time together. It's hard to imagine why, since Grandma is so caring and nice (if a little neurotic) and Grandpa is so controlling and insane. Oh. . .
Anyway, my Grandpa no longer lives in London. Wisely, he decided that it was boring here and moved away. In true old person form, however, he moved to Victoria, British Columbia (Canada's Boca), rather than moving anywhere cool or interesting.
You thought London was small: this is Victoria's entire skyline.
Much to everyone's delight, however, Grandpa is visiting London for a month. He really should have brought his housekeeper with him, not because his incapable of caring for himself, but because he is the kind of person who says "dinner time!" and then goes and sits at the table while other people make him dinner. This kind of behavior is one thing when you pay someone to make you dinner. It is, however, another thing entirely when you are staying at your 91-year-old mother-in-law's house and expecting her to do it. Luckily, grandpa's 91-year-old mother-in-law is pretty pissed off to still be alive, so she doesn't mind taking care of grandpa in the hopes that it will kill her.
I should mention that while my grandpa is pretty high-maintenance, he can also, at times, be pretty entertaining. Just the other day, I was hanging out with him at his 91-year-old mother-in-law's house when he was talking about watches (his retirement hobbies are buying watches, buying electronics, and drinking). Apparently, a friend of his once gave her son a Timex watch. The son wore it to play every sport you can think of, but then he lost his watch and nobody could find it. As it turns out, the watch had gone THROUGH THE LAUNDRY AND THE DRYER but was STILL WORKING!!! Shocked and awed by this, the mother wrote a letter to Timex telling them that they had the most accurate ad in the history of ads. In return, she got a lovely letter and a BRAND NEW Timex watch (in case anybody else in the family needed one). This story took about 20 minutes to tell.
Timex: Takes a licking; keeps on ticking!
After hearing this story, I didn't really think much about it. After all, you're never quite sure how much of what Grandpa says is true. And while I wouldn't say no to a free watch, this story didn't end in me getting one, so I wasn't all that impressed.
But then last night I was over for dinner and laundry at my Grandma's house, and I accidentally washed my chap stick (I tried to explain this to her, but she kept saying she was sorry I washed my "chop stick." She's the best). Upon seeing me ceremoniously throw it away after only two days of use, she decided to tell me a story. Apparently, when my mum was a kid, she had this Timex watch, which went THROUGH THE LAUNDRY AND THE DRYER but was STILL WORKING . . .
At this point I started laughing hysterically, as did my grandma when I explained to her what Grandpa had told me two days earlier. WTF, Grandpa?
The other day, I was at the mall with my grandma, eating lunch (the mall is where we have been going for lunch for as long as I can remember. My family enjoys a good food court). We were discussing family members, and ended up on the topic of my grandpa's brother's wife's sister's son, who is also from London but lived about four blocks from me in Glen Ellyn, Illinois (back when I was rocking the suburbs). I informed Grandma that he was kind of a jerk, and also a Republican, which is not so cool with me. "You don't have to dislike someone just because they're Republican," she responded, to which I replied, "It's not like Canada where politics are complicated. Republicans are evil."*
This conversation got me thinking, perhaps for the trillionth time, about the not-so-subtle differences between Canadian and American politics. Let's examine a few.
Parties
In his farewell address near the end of his presidency, George Washington warned Americans about the dangers of a two-party system.
Seriously?
Obviously, however, Americans weren't listening very closely, as they have maintained a two-party system almost exclusively ever since. The drawbacks of this can be seen pretty much on a daily basis, as the Republicans represent a pretty unified group of right-wingers, while the Democratic base covers those who are a little right-of-center (by American standards) to die-hard leftists. This gives the Republicans an opportunity to fight in Congress as a single unit, while the Democrats are forced to compromise heavily just for a majority vote within their own party. The most recent and public example of this, of course, is the health care bill, which, depending on your politics, is either woefully inadequate or frighteningly oppressive. I think it's safe to say, however, that nobody's all that thrilled about it.
In Canada, things are a little different. There are actually four parties represented within the Canadian Parliament (plus two independents and one vacant seat). They are as follows:
The Conservative Party of Canada (144 seats): In 2003, these dirty, dirty tricksters combined Canada's two conservative parties (the Canadian Alliance and the Progressive Conservatives), and have enjoyed a minority rule of Parliament since the general election in 2004, as the liberal parties, which represent a majority of Canadians are either too disorganized or too noble to unify. It is worth noting, however, that Canadian Conservatives differ quite sharply from Republicans on a number of issues dear to the hearts of Canadians, including the support (or at least begrudging tolerance) of same-sex marriage**, the recognition of Canadian minorities (particularly the French and First Nations), and, of course, the single-payer health care system.***
The Liberal Party of Canada (77 seats): While currently unable to get their shit together (much like the Democrats in 2004), The Liberal Party of Canada has produced twelve Prime Ministers - more than any other party (unless you count the then-divided conservative parties as one****). The Liberals, ironically, are the most conservative of the non-conservative Canadian parties, as they often campaign on promises of tax cuts, like to increase military spending, and do not favor the legalization of marijuana (only its decriminalization, which they implemented for medical purposes).
The New Democratic Party (36 seats): The NDP (for whom I voted in the last election) are the socialists. While they have never produced a Prime Minister, they have long been a viable third party, and have, in recent years, increased in viability with each election. This increase in viability is, of course, bad news for the Liberals and good news for the Conservatives, who have decimated Canadian politics by joining forces and really need to have a big fight and break up again. Seriously.
The NDP are significantly more Liberal than the liberals, as they advocate government programs such as increased public transit, raising the minimum wage, expanding health care, and redrawing parliamentary ridings (see below) to more accurately represent Canada's population distribution. They plan to pay for all this, of course, by raising taxes and legalizing recreational drugs.
The Bloc Québécois (48 seats): The BQ is an example of a party that could only exist in Canada, which likes to tolerate hilarious things like French Canadians.*****
This is a 100% accurate depiction.
Seriously, though, the Bloc exists primarily to promote the sovereignty of Quebec (aka separatism). Yep, that's right: there is a party that represents 15% of Canada's Parliament and advocates for a province's secession. Luckily for Canada, however, the Bloc is not really a one-issue party, and though they like to bring the secession thing to a vote every once in a while (it never passes, obviously), they also vote liberal on most, if not all, other issues.
Ridings vs. Districts
As you should probably already know, the United States is, for election purposes, divided into "districts," distributed according to population. Each district gets one seat in the House of Representatives. In Canada, we call these districts "ridings," and we call the House of Representatives "Parliament."
I guess that isn't all that different. The Electoral System As previously discussed, Canada is divided into ridings, with each riding represented by one Member of Parliament (MP). This is similar to the way the House of Representatives operates, but that's pretty much where the similarities end. In a parliamentary system of government, the country's leader (Prime Minister) is not elected directly. Rather, he (or she. We have had one female Prime Minister) is the party leader of whichever party has the most seats in Parliament. This kind of setup is, I believe, more conducive to a multi-party system (as evidenced by the multiple parties in Canada).
A lot of Americans get confused when they hear about the Canadian Senate, which has little in common with its American counterpart. Not only does the Canadian Senate have 105 seats (which is etymologically offensive), but it also functions more as a cabinet than a governing body. All of its members are appointed, not elected, and must serve until the age of 75 (or death; whichever comes first). This is, of course, extremely dissimilar to the American Senate, which has two representatives from each state, thus ensuring that Republicans maintain some semblance of control even when they represent a minority of Americans.
Canada's Awesomest Prime Minister vs. America's Awesomest President
While former Prime Minister Tommy Douglas is generally considered the greatest Canadian,*** he is not, in most circles, considered the greatest Prime Minister. That title goes to Pierre Elliott Trudeau who, despite being French Canadian (or perhaps because of being French Canadian) was super, super awesome. Trudeau, a member of the Liberal Party, served 15 (briefly nonconsecutive) years as Prime Minister, making him the third-longest-serving Canadian Prime Minister.******
Politically, he did a lot of things that a lot of Canadians liked: defending universal health care, implemented official bilingualism, establishing a relationship with China before Nixon did it (and took all the credit), and standing up to some crazy French terrorists.
This sign exists because of Trudeau.
What made Trudeau truly awesome, however, wasn't his politics. Rather, it was his personal life, which resembled that of a rock star. Here are some awesome things that he did:
Married a woman who was thirty years younger than him (while he was in office). After having three kids, she left him to go on tour with the Rolling Stones. For real.
Had another kid out of wedlock (not while in office) and didn't even try to pretend it didn't happen.
Dated Barbra Streisand. For real.
Was the first to meet with John Lennon and Yoko Ono on their world peace tour. Lennon was later quoted as saying "If there were more leaders like Mr. Trudeau, there would be world peace."
Was blacklisted from entering the United States because he went to a conference in Moscow (before he became Prime Minister). The ban was later lifted.
Was friends with Castro. Again, for real.
As for America's Awesomest president, I'm not even sure whom that would be. My vote would go to FDR, but a lot of people would probably say Lincoln. FDR was cool because he saved capitalism by introducing it to its new BFF, socialism (they have since parted ways); Lincoln was cool because he ended slavery and was probably gay. Neither of them hung out with John Lennon, though, so if it's a competition, I'm pretty sure Trudeau wins. Canada's Current Prime Minister vs. America's Current President
Canada's current Prime Minister:
Stephen Harper. Conservative. George W. Bush's butt boy.
After cutting arts funding, sending Canadian soldiers to fight and die in Afghanistan with no plan to ever get them out of there, condemning Parliament's decision not to help the U.S. invade Iraq, and actually suspending Parliament when the liberal parties tried to form a coalition government to oust him from office, I'm pretty sure the only cool thing Stephen Harper has ever done is this:
In case you were wondering, a 2-4 is what Canadians call a 24-pack of beer.
America's Current President:
Barack Obama. Democrat. Not quite as exciting as previously anticipated, but so far not so bad.
While I have my issues with Obama (how many soldiers have been dishonorably discharged while he's been hemming and hawing about repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell?), I have to respect him for his beautifully-executed Presidential campaign, his not being George W. Bush, and his chumminess with Jay-Z.
Awesome.
Clearly, you win this round, America.
*Yes, I realize that this is an overstatement. I have a good friend who is a total Tea Partier, with whom I have frequent and involved political discussions. I'm always surprised at how much we agree on most issues. We just feel differently about the ideal methods of dealing with them. I've yet to find a major Republican politician, however, who I didn't think was kind of evil. I thought there was hope for McCain, but then he ran that dirty campaign and gave Sarah Palin to the world, so he's out.
**Did you know that we have that? Come get gay married in Canada!
***Health care in Canada is so universally popular that Tommy Douglas, the Canadian Prime Minister who gave Canada its health care system (and Kiefer Sutherland's grandpa), was voted the "Greatest Canadian" in a 2004 nation-wide poll put out by the Canadian Broadcasting Company. He beat Gretzky (the favorite to win) by nine spots, which is pretty incredible in itself.
****Which you don't, because they shouldn't even be one now.
*****Sorry for the jab, guys. I say it out of love.
******Incidentally, he also came in third on the Greatest Canadian list.
But when you really take the time to examine these two cities, you'll find that they have little in common. Here are some examples of ways London is different than Chicago:
Population
As many of you undoubtedly know, a general rule of thumb for cities is that awesomeness is directly related to population.* London has a population of 489,274 people (as of July, 2009). Chicago, however, has a population of 2,896,016 people (as of the 2000 Census). Adjusting for the difference in years with these two statistics, we can conclude that Chicago is approximately 600% cooler than London.
This is what came up when I did a Google image search for "600%"
Road Etiquette
The best word to describe the driving conditions in Chicago, I find, is "anarchy." It's every man for himself out there, and if you happen to get run over/rear ended/scared silly in the process of getting from one place to another, well, better you than me. In London, however, this is not the case. Here are some things drivers in London do that rarely, if ever, happen in Chicago:
They go the speed limit.
They wait for pedestrians to cross the street.
They allow others to make lane changes.
They don't tailgate.
Upon arriving in London, I found adjusting to these new conditions very difficult. Some guy cut me off, so I gave him the nahara (that's what my family calls the evil eye. It's supposed to be "ayin ha'ra," but we are not as good at speaking Hebrew as we think we are). Upon receiving the nahara, however, said guy realized he had cut me off and promptly let me in, causing me to feel like an ass. This story, with various altered details, has repeated itself about eight times since I got here two weeks ago, each time ending with me feeling like an ass. In conclusion, drivers in London are too nice and thus I hate them for making me feel bad about my own douchiness.**
Thanks, London drivers, for making me feel like this guy.
General Niceness
You know those (presumably) homeless guys who come up to your cars at red lights and offer to wash your windows in exchange for money? Don't you find them kind of annoying and very awkward? Well, in London, those guys are not homeless. They are just nice people who want to wash your windows for free. Seriously. That's really weird, right?
Wealth
As of the 2000 census, the median family income in Chicago was $42,724. According to the 2001 Canadian census, however, the median family income in London was $77,040. That difference is no small chunk of change. You know all those homeless people you see in Chicago? They don't have those in London. Flop houses? Nope. Garbage all over the place? Please. Poverty-related crime? Not so much. No, London is the kind of city where every family has a car, a house, and fifteen bikes on their lawn that they know won't get stolen. In short, London is like a giant suburb. And, as anyone who has ever lived in a suburb will tell you, suburbs are super, super boring.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about the lack of crime or anything. Crime is bad, and can be very frustrating for its victims. A little bit of grittiness, however, makes for a more interesting society. The art, for one thing, would undoubtedly improve if people here suffered more. And maybe there'd be some actual bands from London like there are from Toronto, Montréal, Winnipeg, and Vancouver (all of which cities have higher populations, worse drivers, fewer nice people, and less money. Hmmm....).
This awesome song is from Winnipeg, which is not London.
In conclusion, London has a lower population, better drivers, nicer people, and a higher median income than Chicago (and several other, cooler Canadian cities), all of which seem like good things, but totally contribute to its lameness.
*NOTE: This does not apply to towns. Unlike cities, towns' awesomeness is related to two factors: location, and whether or not hippies moved there in the 60s. A town's population, therefore, will not accurately indicate its awesomeness.
**NOTE: These are generalizations, not absolute truths. Today, for example, this crazy lady was tailgating me so closely that I was pretty sure I was about to get a love tap, so I stuck my hand out the window to give her a rude gesture, in hopes that it would deter her from endangering both our lives. She promptly passed me, and when she got in front of me, I saw that she had a bumper sticker on her car that said "Drive Safe," which immediately turned my anger and frustration into utter amusement.
- My name is Jocelyn - I am Canadian - I grew up in the US - I had a green card - I no longer have a green card - It's a long story - I go to Columbia College on a student visa - Student visas are not so great for getting a summer job - I have been shipped to London, Ontario (the single lamest place on earth) for the summer to seek employment - I might die of boredom
FYI: They were not actually black.
