Canadian Politics: WTF?

The other day, I was at the mall with my grandma, eating lunch (the mall is where we have been going for lunch for as long as I can remember. My family enjoys a good food court). We were discussing family members, and ended up on the topic of my grandpa's brother's wife's sister's son, who is also from London but lived about four blocks from me in Glen Ellyn, Illinois (back when I was rocking the suburbs). I informed Grandma that he was kind of a jerk, and also a Republican, which is not so cool with me. "You don't have to dislike someone just because they're Republican," she responded, to which I replied, "It's not like Canada where politics are complicated. Republicans are evil."*


This conversation got me thinking, perhaps for the trillionth time, about the not-so-subtle differences between Canadian and American politics. Let's examine a few.

Parties

In his farewell address near the end of his presidency, George Washington warned Americans about the dangers of a two-party system.

Seriously?

Obviously, however, Americans weren't listening very closely, as they have maintained a two-party system almost exclusively ever since. The drawbacks of this can be seen pretty much on a daily basis, as the Republicans represent a pretty unified group of right-wingers, while the Democratic base covers those who are a little right-of-center (by American standards) to die-hard leftists. This gives the Republicans an opportunity to fight in Congress as a single unit, while the Democrats are forced to compromise heavily just for a majority vote within their own party. The most recent and public example of this, of course, is the health care bill, which, depending on your politics, is either woefully inadequate or frighteningly oppressive. I think it's safe to say, however, that nobody's all that thrilled about it.

In Canada, things are a little different. There are actually four parties represented within the Canadian Parliament (plus two independents and one vacant seat). They are as follows:

The Conservative Party of Canada (144 seats): In 2003, these dirty, dirty tricksters combined Canada's two conservative parties (the Canadian Alliance and the Progressive Conservatives), and have enjoyed a minority rule of Parliament since the general election in 2004, as the liberal parties, which represent a majority of Canadians are either too disorganized or too noble to unify. It is worth noting, however, that Canadian Conservatives differ quite sharply from Republicans on a number of issues dear to the hearts of Canadians, including the support (or at least begrudging tolerance) of same-sex marriage**, the recognition of Canadian minorities (particularly the French and First Nations), and, of course, the single-payer health care system.***

The Liberal Party of Canada (77 seats): While currently unable to get their shit together (much like the Democrats in 2004), The Liberal Party of Canada has produced twelve Prime Ministers - more than any other party (unless you count the then-divided conservative parties as one****). The Liberals, ironically, are the most conservative of the non-conservative Canadian parties, as they often campaign on promises of tax cuts, like to increase military spending, and do not favor the legalization of marijuana (only its decriminalization, which they implemented for medical purposes).

The New Democratic Party (36 seats): The NDP (for whom I voted in the last election) are the socialists. While they have never produced a Prime Minister, they have long been a viable third party, and have, in recent years, increased in viability with each election. This increase in viability is, of course, bad news for the Liberals and good news for the Conservatives, who have decimated Canadian politics by joining forces and really need to have a big fight and break up again. Seriously.

The NDP are significantly more Liberal than the liberals, as they advocate government programs such as increased public transit, raising the minimum wage, expanding health care, and redrawing parliamentary ridings (see below) to more accurately represent Canada's population distribution. They plan to pay for all this, of course, by raising taxes and legalizing recreational drugs.

The Bloc Québécois (48 seats): The BQ is an example of a party that could only exist in Canada, which likes to tolerate hilarious things like French Canadians.*****

This is a 100% accurate depiction.

Seriously, though, the Bloc exists primarily to promote the sovereignty of Quebec (aka separatism). Yep, that's right: there is a party that represents 15% of Canada's Parliament and advocates for a province's secession. Luckily for Canada, however, the Bloc is not really a one-issue party, and though they like to bring the secession thing to a vote every once in a while (it never passes, obviously), they also vote liberal on most, if not all, other issues.

Ridings vs. Districts

As you should probably already know, the United States is, for election purposes, divided into "districts," distributed according to population. Each district gets one seat in the House of Representatives. In Canada, we call these districts "ridings," and we call the House of Representatives "Parliament."

I guess that isn't all that different.

The Electoral System

As previously discussed, Canada is divided into ridings, with each riding represented by one Member of Parliament (MP). This is similar to the way the House of Representatives operates, but that's pretty much where the similarities end. In a parliamentary system of government, the country's leader (Prime Minister) is not elected directly. Rather, he (or she. We have had one female Prime Minister) is the party leader of whichever party has the most seats in Parliament. This kind of setup is, I believe, more conducive to a multi-party system (as evidenced by the multiple parties in Canada).

A lot of Americans get confused when they hear about the Canadian Senate, which has little in common with its American counterpart. Not only does the Canadian Senate have 105 seats (which is etymologically offensive), but it also functions more as a cabinet than a governing body. All of its members are appointed, not elected, and must serve until the age of 75 (or death; whichever comes first). This is, of course, extremely dissimilar to the American Senate, which has two representatives from each state, thus ensuring that Republicans maintain some semblance of control even when they represent a minority of Americans.

Canada's Awesomest Prime Minister vs. America's Awesomest President

While former Prime Minister Tommy Douglas is generally considered the greatest Canadian,*** he is not, in most circles, considered the greatest Prime Minister. That title goes to Pierre Elliott Trudeau who, despite being French Canadian (or perhaps because of being French Canadian) was super, super awesome. Trudeau, a member of the Liberal Party, served 15 (briefly nonconsecutive) years as Prime Minister, making him the third-longest-serving Canadian Prime Minister.******

Politically, he did a lot of things that a lot of Canadians liked: defending universal health care, implemented official bilingualism, establishing a relationship with China before Nixon did it (and took all the credit), and standing up to some crazy French terrorists.

This sign exists because of Trudeau.

What made Trudeau truly awesome, however, wasn't his politics. Rather, it was his personal life, which resembled that of a rock star. Here are some awesome things that he did:

• Married a woman who was thirty years younger than him (while he was in office). After having three kids, she left him to go on tour with the Rolling Stones. For real.
• Had another kid out of wedlock (not while in office) and didn't even try to pretend it didn't happen.
• Dated Barbra Streisand. For real.
• Was the first to meet with John Lennon and Yoko Ono on their world peace tour. Lennon was later quoted as saying "If there were more leaders like Mr. Trudeau, there would be world peace."
• Was blacklisted from entering the United States because he went to a conference in Moscow (before he became Prime Minister). The ban was later lifted.
• Was friends with Castro. Again, for real.

As for America's Awesomest president, I'm not even sure whom that would be. My vote would go to FDR, but a lot of people would probably say Lincoln. FDR was cool because he saved capitalism by introducing it to its new BFF, socialism (they have since parted ways); Lincoln was cool because he ended slavery and was probably gay. Neither of them hung out with John Lennon, though, so if it's a competition, I'm pretty sure Trudeau wins.

Canada's Current Prime Minister vs. America's Current President

Canada's current Prime Minister:

Stephen Harper. Conservative. George W. Bush's butt boy.

After cutting arts funding, sending Canadian soldiers to fight and die in Afghanistan with no plan to ever get them out of there, condemning Parliament's decision not to help the U.S. invade Iraq, and actually suspending Parliament when the liberal parties tried to form a coalition government to oust him from office, I'm pretty sure the only cool thing Stephen Harper has ever done is this:

In case you were wondering, a 2-4 is what Canadians call a 24-pack of beer.

America's Current President:

Barack Obama. Democrat. Not quite as exciting as previously anticipated, but so far not so bad.

While I have my issues with Obama (how many soldiers have been dishonorably discharged while he's been hemming and hawing about repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell?), I have to respect him for his beautifully-executed Presidential campaign, his not being George W. Bush, and his chumminess with Jay-Z.

Awesome.

Clearly, you win this round, America.

*Yes, I realize that this is an overstatement. I have a good friend who is a total Tea Partier, with whom I have frequent and involved political discussions. I'm always surprised at how much we agree on most issues. We just feel differently about the ideal methods of dealing with them. I've yet to find a major Republican politician, however, who I didn't think was kind of evil. I thought there was hope for McCain, but then he ran that dirty campaign and gave Sarah Palin to the world, so he's out.

**Did you know that we have that? Come get gay married in Canada!

***Health care in Canada is so universally popular that Tommy Douglas, the Canadian Prime Minister who gave Canada its health care system (and Kiefer Sutherland's grandpa), was voted the "Greatest Canadian" in a 2004 nation-wide poll put out by the Canadian Broadcasting Company. He beat Gretzky (the favorite to win) by nine spots, which is pretty incredible in itself.

****Which you don't, because they shouldn't even be one now.

*****Sorry for the jab, guys. I say it out of love.

******Incidentally, he also came in third on the Greatest Canadian list.